What if I told you the problem isn’t that we’re collecting data, it’s that somewhere along the way, we started treating every piece of data like a red flag?
In my last column, I introduced the idea of dating for data, which ultimately means slowing down long enough to observe people instead of rushing to conclusions. The goal isn’t to judge every interaction or overanalyze every conversation. It’s simply to pay 
attention. After all, the only way to truly get to know someone is to allow enough time for patterns to reveal themselves, but that conversation left me with another question.
What happens when some pieces of the data become a red flag? That’s where I think many of us find ourselves today.
Dating has become a little like detective work. We leave a first date replaying every conversation, every text message, and every awkward pause, trying to determine whether we’ve uncovered something that should send us running.
Ladies, you may have left a date wondering, “He took four hours to text me back. Is he really interested?” Or maybe you’ve noticed he follows a lot of women on Instagram and immediately started questioning his intentions. Fellas, maybe you’ve found yourself thinking, “She talked about her ex a little too much,” or “She didn’t ask many questions about me. Was she even interested?” Before we know it, we’ve replayed the entire evening in our minds, searching for clues and trying to decide whether we’ve just uncovered a red flag.
The truth is, red flags are real, and they deserve our attention. A red flag isn’t someone forgetting to text you back one afternoon or having an awkward first date. A true red flag is a repeated pattern of behavior that threatens the health of a relationship. It may show up as dishonesty, manipulation, controlling behavior, repeated disrespect, or a consistent refusal to take accountability for their actions. In other words, a red flag isn’t about someone being imperfect, but rather about repeated behavior that suggests they may not be emotionally safe or healthy to build a relationship with.
One thing I’ve learned is that healthy dating requires discernment, but it also requires grace. None of us shows up as perfect people on a first date. We get nervous and say things we’d probably phrase differently later. We all have awkward moments. If we immediately label every imperfection as a warning sign, we may never allow ourselves to discover who someone truly is.
I sometimes wonder if social media has made that even harder.
If you scroll for a few minutes, you’ll probably come across videos explaining love bombing, gaslighting, avoidant attachment styles, or narcissism. To be clear, these behaviors are real, and many people have experienced the pain they cause, a fact that is hard to dismiss. At the same time, I think it’s worth asking ourselves whether we’ve become so familiar with the language that we’ve become quicker to assign labels than to understand people.
Have we become too quick to diagnose rather than discover?
Too quick to assume instead of observing?
Too quick to label instead of learning?
Those questions matter because discernment asks questions, and fear jumps to conclusions.
As I reflected on the conversations from my recent feature on Birmingham’s dating scene, one thing became clear. No one I interviewed was asking for perfection. They weren’t searching for someone with a flawless past, endless money, or a picture-perfect life. People wanted honesty, consistency, intentionality, and respect. Those conversations reminded me that while social media often teaches us what to avoid, real people are still looking for the qualities that make healthy relationships possible.
Which brings me to something we don’t talk about nearly enough.
Green flags.
If red flags warn us about what could hurt us, green flags remind us of what’s worth holding on to.
Green flags look like someone who keeps their word, even when it’s inconvenient. Someone who apologizes without shifting blame. Someone who celebrates your successes instead of competing with them. Someone who communicates honestly, respects your boundaries, and leaves you feeling emotionally safe rather than emotionally drained.
The interesting thing about green flags is that they rarely go viral, and they are not talked about enough.
We hear so much about red flags that we don’t spend enough time talking about green ones. Green flags are the people who keep their word, communicate clearly, respect your boundaries, and make you feel at peace. Those qualities may not go viral on social media, but they’re the ones that help build healthy relationships. In fact, the healthiest relationships often feel boring to people accustomed to chaos.
If you’ve grown accustomed to inconsistency, healthy consistency can feel unfamiliar. If you’ve mistaken anxiety for chemistry, peace may initially feel uneventful. If you’ve spent years questioning where you stand with someone, clear communication might seem almost too simple, but simple isn’t the same as boring, and peace isn’t the absence of love. It’s often evidence of it.
I don’t believe dating was meant to be an exercise in finding reasons to disqualify people. However, it was meant to help us discover whether two people are genuinely compatible. That takes time, observation, conversation, and the recognition of red flags when they appear. It also requires us to notice the green flags that often arrive quietly, without fanfare.
If we’re only looking for what’s wrong, we may overlook what’s right.
So the next time you leave a date, resist the urge to immediately search for a reason to cross someone off your list. Give yourself permission to gather information, pay attention to patterns, and allow people enough room to show you who they are, because the goal isn’t just to avoid unhealthy relationships but to recognize healthy ones when they finally arrive.
Love Lesson: Don’t let the fear of missing a red flag cause you to overlook a green one. The healthiest relationships often feel boring to people who are used to chaos.
Nicole Sade’ Daniel is an award-winning journalist, author, educator, and advocate for meaningful conversations around relationships and personal growth. Drawing from her background in communications and psychology, she explores modern dating, love, healing, and the experiences that shape how we connect with others. Learn more at nicolesade.com.
