Part One of Three

By Nicole Sade’ Daniel | For The Birmingham Times

I’ve spent years exploring conversations around love, relationships, personal growth, and the experiences that shape how we connect with one another. Through my books, digital platforms, and conversations with women across different stages of life, one topic continues to surface: dating.

Whether discussing so-called “situationships,” marriage, heartbreak, healing, or modern relationship expectations, people are eager to talk about their experiences. So naturally, I found myself wondering about the state of dating right here in Birmingham.

Is dating in Birmingham getting harder, or are singles simply expecting more?

Maybe you’ve matched with someone online only to have the conversation fizzle out after three messages. Maybe you’ve sat across from someone at dinner and immediately realized there wouldn’t be a second date. Or perhaps you’ve found yourself listening to a friend recount yet another dating story over brunch, wondering if finding a meaningful connection has become more complicated than ever.

Between dating apps, demanding careers and evolving expectations around relationships, many Birmingham singles say navigating today’s dating landscape can feel like a part-time job that’s filled with endless conversations, occasional sparks, and more than a few stories worthy of the group chat.

Whether you’re meeting someone through mutual friends, attending a speed dating event, connecting through church, or testing your luck on an app, one question remains: What is dating really like in Birmingham?

I spoke with singles from diverse backgrounds and life stages, as well as local relationship professionals, to better understand the state of dating in the Magic City. What I discovered wasn’t a story about men versus women, nor was it a story about who’s right or wrong. It was a story about people searching for connection in a world that seems more connected — and more disconnected — than ever before.

Creating Space for Connections

To begin my search for answers, I spoke with Tai East, 41, a speed dating event host. East has spent the last several years creating opportunities for Birmingham singles to meet face-to-face in an era increasingly dominated by screens.

“Speed dating is interesting, it’s fun, but you have to get out and meet people,” she said. “You have some people who are serious about dating and really want to meet somebody, and you have some people who just come in to try it on their bucket list or just looking for fun for the night.”

On a typical speed dating night, the atmosphere is far removed from the pressure and uncertainty many people associate with modern dating. Participants arrive early, often ordering food and drinks before the event begins, creating a more relaxed environment before the conversations start. Hosted in partnership with local venues throughout the Birmingham area, the events are intentionally designed to feel comfortable, welcoming, and safe.

“We really try to provide a genuine place for connection, but on the flip side of that, we also don’t know who will show up or what they’ll look like. That is always the goal,” East said.

Each event is limited to 15 men and 15 women, creating a more intimate setting where attendees can meet everyone in the room. Name badges display first names and assigned numbers, making it easy for participants to keep track of conversations throughout the evening.

As the event begins, the women remain seated while the men rotate from table to table every five minutes. For the next hour or so, introductions are exchanged, stories are shared, and first impressions are formed before participants move on to the next conversation.

At the end of the event, attendees complete a match sheet, noting the people they would like to connect with again. If there’s mutual interest, East’s matching system later sends contact information directly to both parties.

The events are divided into two age groups, with one session catering to adults ages 36 to 55 and another geared toward singles ages 23 to 39.

East said it’s hard to get Black men to come, but she has women of all races who attend her events.

“I don’t know if they’re fearful, if Black men in Birmingham are just already taken, but I would love to see more Black single men at these events,” East said.

East added that at the events, some people are nervous, some are outgoing, but it’s a fun time because at least you know who you’re talking to, unlike meeting someone on a dating app. People will attend the speed dating events multiple times because she creates a safe environment.

In an era dominated by dating apps and social media, East believes the appeal of speed dating lies in something much simpler, which is the opportunity to meet people face-to-face.

“Whereas if you’re online dating, you might be talking to somebody for 2 or 3 weeks, and you don’t even know if it’s the right person,” she said.

For many attendees, it’s not just about finding a romantic connection, it’s about stepping away from a screen, being present, and giving themselves permission to be open to the possibility of meeting someone new.

East has been hosting events for singles for about three years now. Since hosting, she has seen three to four couples get married and form long-term relationships. Although the events cater to different age groups, she said it’s more challenging to get individuals in their 30s and 40s. While there could be several reasons for the lower participation, it’s possible that many people in their 30s and 40s are approaching dating more cautiously. Life experience often brings clarity, but it can also bring hesitation, especially after previous heartbreaks or disappointments.

Beyond the First Introduction

While Birmingham singles appear eager to put themselves out there, showing up is only part of the equation. Finding a date and building a healthy relationship are often two very different challenges.

To better understand what happens beyond the first introduction, I spoke with licensed professional counselor Eddie Sharpe, 41, who offered insight into the emotional realities that many singles navigate as they search for meaningful connections.

According to Sharpe, many of the challenges facing singles today have less to do with finding someone and more to do with what they bring into relationships once they do.

“People are bringing their trauma into relationships with them, lacking in communication, and struggling with setting expectations,” Sharpe said.

He believes one of the biggest obstacles to forming healthy relationships is the tendency to overlook unresolved issues from childhood and past experiences.

“There is a lot that can taint our understanding of a healthy relationship that we may not be aware of,” he explained.

In a culture where conversations about dating often focus on who is to blame, Sharpe encourages singles to spend more time examining themselves.

“Stop letting gender wars dictate your opinions about men and women. You’re not looking for men and women. You’re looking for your man, your woman, your partner.”

His advice is particularly relevant in a dating climate he describes as “flighty, inconsistent, and hopeful.”

When asked to elaborate on those three words, Sharpe pointed to a combination of social influences, past experiences, and growing anxieties surrounding modern dating.

“Many people are feeling anxious these days, whether it’s because of the ongoing gender-war conversations, the perception of unlimited access to people through online dating, or pop psychology convincing people that they’re being love-bombed or gaslit. These factors have made people approach dating cautiously,” he said.

According to Sharpe, that caution often contributes to the inconsistency many singles experience.

“A lot of that stems from social media, which shows us a great deal while leaving out what’s most important. We often see the end result of successful relationships, but rarely the work that goes into making them succeed. That can create unrealistic, inconsistent, and ever-shifting expectations,” Sharpe said.

Still, despite the challenges, Sharpe believes hope remains one of the defining characteristics of Birmingham’s dating scene.

“As human beings, we’re wired to belong, as easy as it can be to push ourselves away from others, hope persists.”

While social media may suggest that love is simply about finding the right person, he argues that love alone is not enough.

“People think that love is the driving force of a connection and a relationship. In reality, it’s a prerequisite to a lot of hard conversations, understandings, agreements, adjustments, and compromises,” Sharpe said.

When asked what advice he would give Birmingham singles, his answer was simple: address your baggage before inviting someone else into your life.

“Clear your traumas and bad experiences before you get out here trying to tether yourself to somebody else. Baggage will be there, but it should be packed neatly,” Sharpe said.

Consistency over Chemistry

Many of the concerns raised by Sharpe were echoed by the singles I spoke with. While their experiences varied by age, background, and relationship history, several common themes emerged: consistency, communication, authenticity, and the desire for genuine connection.

For some, the challenge isn’t meeting people, it’s determining whether the person they’re meeting is truly who they claim to be.

Kristina Johnson, 31, believes intentionality is one of the biggest challenges facing singles in Birmingham.

“I go to quite a few networking events in the city, and there’s never a lot of guys present. If they are, they’re typically married,” Johnson said.

“The ones that are looking to date or looking for something serious, I feel like I haven’t been in those spaces with those guys,” she added.

Like many others, Johnson pointed to consistency as a missing ingredient in modern dating.

“We can have chemistry all day, but are you going to do what you say you’re going to do? Are you a man of your word? People lack consistency, and it’s for males and females,” Johnson said.

She also believes unresolved trauma often goes unaddressed in relationships.

“Trauma really impacts relationships. It impacts how you treat a person, how you date, and every single thing moving forward if you haven’t been able to navigate through those traumas,” she said.

For Catrina Carey, 56, communication and honesty remain among the biggest obstacles.

“The biggest challenge of dating in Birmingham is that almost every man has been with so many women in Birmingham and vice versa, and there’s absolutely no real communication in relationships these days.”

When asked to describe dating in Birmingham, Carey didn’t hesitate: “Scary, and people are very dishonest.”

She believes social media and dating apps have made it easier for people to hide who they really are.

“At least in person, you can pick up on a person’s spirit,” Carey said.

Dating Starts with You

Not everyone viewed Birmingham’s dating scene through the same lens.

Early Harris, 36, believes the conversation begins with self-awareness.

“Dating in Birmingham is like any other place,” he said.

“At the end of the day, it’s really about you. What are your standards? What are your boundaries? Do you actually know yourself?”

For Harris, authenticity is one of the most overlooked aspects of modern dating.

“One thing people don’t talk about enough is being authentic. A lot of people see their reflection and don’t like what they see, but it’s because they’re not really being authentic,” Harris said.

Rather than focusing on what others are doing wrong, Harris encourages singles to remain committed to their own growth and purpose.

“The right person would not disrupt what you’ve got going on; they would actually enhance it.”

While many singles shared frustrations about consistency, communication, and navigating modern dating, Shekinah Joy Lee, a Birmingham-based licensed professional counselor, believes the conversation should begin with self-awareness.

According to Lee, one of the most important things people can do before pursuing a relationship is invest in their own healing.

“If there was one piece of dating advice I could give everyone, I would say be very intentional about taking care of yourself. Address your traumas and don’t just talk about them over and over. Go see a therapist about the things that happened and hurt you.” Lee said.

She also noted that many of the conversations surrounding dating today are rooted in fear, disappointment, and negative experiences rather than hope.

“I hear things like the dating pool has pee in it, or these women only want your money, and all these other kinds of things that aren’t necessarily true,” Lee said.

While she acknowledges that some people are struggling in today’s dating environment, she believes many singles mistake intentionality for caution.

“There’s no faith in it or there’s no hope in it.”

For Lee, intentional dating is less about rigid rules and more about being present.

“Intentionality means you’re being present and taking things for face value, giving yourself an opportunity to gather data. If we start to approach relationships as if we’re researching things and gathering data, it would be a lot less detrimental for people,” Lee said.

Despite many of the challenges discussed, Lee remains optimistic.

“Some people are developing very beautiful and intentional relationships, and then some people are having a rough time, but I do think so much of it is about how you take care of yourself and whether you’re intentional about being who you’re supposed to be and letting it carry over into other areas of your life.”

Despite the different perspectives, the singles I interviewed shared more similarities than differences. Whether discussing communication, consistency, authenticity, faith, or healing from past experiences, most weren’t seeking perfection but something real. I’m excited to know that Birmingham singles have not given up on love. They’re simply trying to navigate it with more intention, awareness, and hope.

And I hope to keep this conversation going. That’s why I’ve partnered with the Birmingham Times to launch Lessons & Love, a new column where we’ll have honest discussions about modern dating, relationships, heartbreak, healing, and the lessons we learn along the way. There may not always be easy answers, but there will always be real conversations. This column — coming later this month — will prove that Birmingham has plenty to say about love. Until next time, keep your standards high, your heart open, and your faith in love intact.

Nicole Sade’ Daniel is an award-winning journalist, author, educator, and advocate for meaningful conversations around relationships and personal growth. Drawing from her background in communications and psychology, she explores modern dating, love, healing, and the experiences that shape how we connect with others. Learn more at nicolesade.com.