Compiled by Javacia Haris Bowser | The Birmingham Times
Last week my husband Edward and I celebrated our 20th anniversary. Several friends who have yet to reach that milestone have asked us, “What’s the secret?” We shared a lot of the same advice we gave when we were featured in this column back in 2018: communication is key, be true partners and best friends, and be intentional about quality time. But we don’t pretend to have all the answers.
I am always eager to learn from other couples who seem to have everlasting love. So, I combed through the archives of You Had Me at Hello, reading the “Words of Wisdom” from couples featured in the past few years who said “I do” long before Edward and I did. Here are some lessons on love from 10 couples that stood out.
ROY & PATRICE WILLIAMS
Live: Huffman
Married: Sept. 14, 1991
“Always put God first. Never lose yourself and never depend on someone else to be your sole source of happiness,” Patrice said. “Find happiness within yourself and depend on your spouse to enhance the state that you’re already at.”
Roy added, “I think it’s important that you spend quality time together but also realize that they need their personal time too.”
LORETTA & FRED HILL
Live: Margaret, Ala. [near Leeds/Argo]
Married: April 11, 1987
“It’s important to learn how to effectively communicate with each other, and even the timing of those conversations because you’re going to have to have some critical conversations and they’re crucial,” Loretta said. “And we truly believe that God has to be in the center of your relationship, and that you keep building on that foundation. And you keep the spark alive by still doing things together and not allowing yourselves to grow too distant. Continue to work on your relationship because you have to continue learning each other as you grow.”
Fred added: “God’s math is different from our math. It takes one whole person, plus one whole person to make a whole [union]. You can’t come into the relationship half a man and half a woman and think you’re going to make one. That’s not ‘God-addition.’ And the reason why is because although you’re growing together, you still have to have freedom within the marriage to still grow [individually]. And you have to support each other in that growth process because if one grows and the other doesn’t, then you’ll have an unequal marriage.”
VERLINDA & EDDIE WELLS JR.
Live: Bessemer
Married: June 9, 1990
“Divorce is not an option. Learn how to work through your issues and keep God first. You have to have a prayerful life, and respect each other’s flaws, because no one is perfect,” Verlinda said.
Eddie added: “Figure out what your spouse’s love language is and cater to that to the best of your abilities. Try to manage their expectations the best you can. Always try to talk things out and be as proactive as you can in situations instead of reactive. And when special days and holidays come around, if it’s special to your spouse, make sure you [acknowledge/celebrate] because it means something to them.”
LORIE AND MYERS HAWKINS III
Live: Pleasant Grove
Married: Sept. 19, 1987
“Love one another and always remember that a couple who prays together stays together,” Myers said. “There are rough patches in any relationship, but you have to smooth it out and don’t go to bed with anger on your heart. You have to be willing to give and take. Marriage is not 50/50, that’s an illusion. There’s no such thing. Each marriage and relationship is different, you both have to put in the work. Try to learn each other’s triggers and don’t push each other’s buttons. And if children are in the picture, both spouses have to raise them. Both need to get up in the middle of the night, take them to ball practice, and anything else. Both have to do the work in raising kids.”
TIFFANY & VICTOR HUNTER
Live: McCalla
Married: April 25, 1998
“Learn to compromise because everyone has a stake in the marriage. Communicate and continue to date,” said Victor.
“We have been through a lot of rough times in our marriage, and you have to find mentors who are not family members to help you through those times because you need counsel,” Tiffany said. “Even in the tough times we’ve had in our marriage, we’ve managed to stay together and not call it quits because Victor has been my calm. In my head, I’m like ‘ok, I’m done’, but Victor is like ‘I’m not going anywhere.’ I’m very hotheaded, so having someone who balances you that way is very important.”
JAMAR AND ALISHIA JONES
Live: Hoover
Married: May 12, 2000
“Don’t sweat the small stuff and always find reasons to laugh,” Alishia said. “And my grandmother told me, ‘you can’t be angry and mad while you’re eating so always find a reason to share [joy and happiness] while enjoying a meal together.’”
Jamar said balance is important. “One of the most important parts of being married is knowing how to be together but apart at the same time. You have to maintain your individuality.”
DEMARCUS ‘MARC’ AND TIFFANY BROWN
Live: Pinson
Married: Feb. 10, 1996
“First of all, stay friends. We took divorce off the table which meant we had to work at whatever was going on. And if you’re willing to put in the work to sustain your relationship then it will sustain and grow. And you better keep God first,” Marc said.
“I agree with keeping God first and friendship because I think friendship has been the thing that has held us together the most. We’ve had some challenging times, but with God and our friendship, we’ve been able to work through those times,” said Tiffany. “Our friends call us boyfriend and girlfriend because we still talk on the phone and text all day like we’re still dating, but for us, it’s just open communication.”
HERNANDO & ADRIENNE CARTER
Live: Homewood
Married: March 22, 2003
“Put your spouse first, love them first, give up the desire to win and be right, and put the relationship above all else. Always communicate and remain friends,” Hernando said.
“The most important thing, as with most things in life, is a strong foundation. Our foundation was that friendship and love that we’ve always had. And the second thing is realizing life comes with challenges in your relationship and personal lives, but you gotta cleave to each other instead of running away. When you have challenges you have to communicate with each other and remember the foundation of love and friendship,” Adrienne said.
ARLANA AND CARY ‘TREY’ TORBERT III
Live: Helena
Married: Nov. 25, 200
“Love is a choice, and it’s unconditional. You get out of it what you put into it, and your garden grows based on how you choose to nourish it,” Arlana said. “Choose to love, that’s what I do. And I choose forgiveness, that’s what makes a successful relationship.”
Trey said: “Keep God first, keep your marriage business to yourself, and always remember where you came from. We were friends first, and we always keep that foundation of being friends at the forefront of our marriage.”
LISA AND LINCOLN BLUE
Live: McCalla
Married: Nov. 28, 1998
Words of wisdom: “Put God first. When you put God first you can overcome anything. Don’t go to bed angry, and don’t be too big to apologize and say, ‘I’m sorry,’” Lisa said.
“Marriage is not for the weak or the weary. It’s harder than a job because a job you can leave and go home. But marriage is something you wake up with every day, you go to sleep with it, and when you wake up it’s still there. Marriage is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and it’s a lot of work, but it’s been worth it for us,” Lincoln said. “A lot of people think that after 25 years the work is over, but it’s just begun because every day people are evolving and growing. You gotta have a higher power in your life besides you. If you think you’re gonna run this race by yourself, it’s gonna be a hard run. Faith is what you need to stand on and fall back on, you’re gonna need it.”
“You Had Me at Hello’’ highlights married couples and the love that binds them. If you would like to be considered for a future “Hello’’ column or know someone, please send nominations to editor@birminghamtimes.com. Include the couple’s name, contact number(s), and what makes their love story unique.
